INT. MAX’S HOME – EVENING 1
Black screen: Echoing through a house, we hear A BOY BARKING and A DOG YELPING.
The picture comes up and a raggedy black dog tears down a set of stairs, toward us.
MAX, eight years old and wearing a white wolf suit, jumps down the stairs, tumbling toward the camera, growling and chasing the dog. For some reason, Max is holding a fork.
He jumps to the bottom of the stairs tucking and rolling, screeching a feral war–cry and follows the dog off–screen.
Max chases the dog under the dining room table and closes in. He leaps and grabs the dog, and howling and somersaulting, they wrestle happily together until the screen freezes.
EXT. SNOW–COVERED SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Max’s legs protrude from a hand–dug opening in a large snow embankment – a remnant of the morning’s snowplows.
He crawls out and stands over it, surveying his creation. A proud and crooked grin spreads across his face.
He runs off toward his house, wanting badly to tell someone
about it.
INT./EXT. MAX’S HOME – DAY
Max runs up to the window and taps on the glass. Inside is his sister Claire, 14, talking on the phone with great intensity. We see only Max’s eyes peering over the window sill.
MAX
(muffled through the glass)
Hey Claire! Wanna see something great?
CLAIRE
Who else was there?
MAX
(trying again)
It’s an igloo.
CLAIRE
And?
MAX
I made it.
CLAIRE
(responding to the intrusion)
Yeah, my brother.
No, I can’t.
We’re supposed to go to my dad’s that weekend.
MAX
The snowplows left some snow across
the street... and I dug a hole into
it.
CLAIRE
Max, go play with your friends!
MAX
You! Go that way! You! Go that way!
MAX
Don’t talk to me like that. You’re just a fence. Go play with your own fence friends. Now move out!
MOM
(calling out)
Hey! I’m home!
MOM
Hey.
MOM
What’s wrong?
MAX
Claire and her stupid friends smashed my igloo.
MOM
Oh.
MAX
And she didn’t do anything about it.
MOM
I’m sorry, honey.
(with a sly smile)
I would have done something about it.
MOM
Max, what have you done?
MOM
(under her breath)
Oh my god.
MOM
(hiding her exhaustion with warmth)
No, I don’t want to bother you, just... just quickly can you tell me exactly what Mr. Lasseter didn’t like about the report? ...Well what am I suppose to do? No, I’m just tired and there’s been some stuff here at home.... So what can I do to fix this?
MOM
(into the phone)
I know, I know. I, uh... but I better get started if I’m gonna turn it in in the morning.
MOM
(now a bit more upbeat)
No, I hear you, I hear you. This will be the last time I promise, okay? Thanks.
MOM
(softly)
Hey.
MAX
(almost inaudibly)
Hi.
MOM
I could use a story.
MAX
Ummm... Sure.
MAX
Okay, there were some buildings... There were these really tall buildings...and they could walk. Then there were some vampires. One of the vampires bit the tallest building and his fangs broke off...then all his other teeth fell out...then he started crying...and then all the other vampires said Why are you crying? Aren’t those just your baby teeth? And he said, No, those are my grownup teeth...and the vampires knew that he couldn’t be a vampire anymore, so they left him.
MAX
The end.
TEACHER
(warming to his subject)
... the sun is the center of our solar system. It’s the reason all the planets are here. Its warmth gives us sunlight, makes our planet liveable. Of course the sun won’t always be here to keep us warm. It, like all things, will die... and when it does, first it’ll expand, enveloping all the surrounding planets, including Earth, before consuming them rapidly.
(now almost cheerfully)
The sun, after all, is just fuel burning ferociously... and when it runs out of fuel... well... it’ll be gone. Well after that, the solar system will go dark... permanently.
TEACHER
(V.O.)
I’m sure by that time the human race will have fallen to any number
of calamities...
TEACHER
(V.O.)
... war, pollution, global warming, tsunamis, earthquakes, meteors...
but hey, who knows, right? Have a good weekend.
MAX
(yelling downstairs)
Mom! Mom, come up
here! I rebuilt the fort!
MOM
(O.S.)
Max, I’m busy.
MAX
You gotta get inside it,
the lava’s coming.
(beat)
Oh, oh! And it’s a rocket ship,
and it’s gonna take off!
(beat)
Want me to save you a seat?
MOM
You’re really....nice
BOYFRIEND
...Cute
MOM
(to Max)
Hi, sweetie.
(loudly into the next room)
Claire, it’s almost dinner! Get
your stuff off the
table, please.
MOM
Shhh!
MOM
Hey, shhh.
MAX
(pointing to something
on a plate)
Mom, what is that?
MOM
It’s pâté.
MAX
Frozen corn? What’s
wrong with real corn?
MOM
(firmly, trying not to
lose her patience)
Frozen corn is real. And get
off the chair please. And
go tell your sister to clear
her stuff off the table.
MAX
(yelling, more or less
in his mom’s face)
CLAIRE GET YOUR STUFF OFF
THE DINING ROOM TABLE!
MOM
(urgently, under her breath)
Max, don’t pull that now.
MOM
(whispering/pleading)
Max, get off the counter,
please, get off. I have
a friend here... you’re
embarrassing me.
MAX
Woman, feed me!
MOM
(exasperated)
Max, get off. Get
off the counter
MOM
(furious whisper)
Get off the damn counter
MAX! Now. NOW!
MAX
I’ll eat you up!
MOM
Get down!
MAX
GRRRAAR!
MOM
Stop! Get over here!
MOM
Max! What’s wrong with you?
MOM
(completely enraged)
OW! Max, you bit
me! That hurt!
BOYFRIEND Connie, he can’t treat you like that.
Mom turns to Max.
MOM
Max, what is wrong
with you? Why are you
doing these things?
MAX
You’re doing things!
MOM
You’re out of control!
MAX
It’s not my fault!
MOM
Max! Max!
MOM
Max!
CAROL
That’s it. Tear ‘em all
down. Tear ‘em down.
Come on! We’ve got a few
more to go over here.
(beat)
Is anyone going to help me?
JUDITH
Who said that we
didn’t like them?
IRA
We liked them.
They were nice.
CAROL
I mean, this is a
problem. Don’t you see
this is a problem?
ALEXANDER
I will...
CAROL
No, I’ll just do it myself...
ALEXANDER
... help.
CAROL
... as usual.
DOUGLAS
Um, Carol, could I talk
to you for a second?
CAROL
Not right now,
Douglas, I’m busy.
DOUGLAS
Uh, oh, okay I’m
sorry. Carry on.
CAROL
And I’m the only one who
cares enough to do this.
CAROL
Or this!
JUDITH
Carol, is this really
necessary?
CAROL
Ask K.W. You ask K.W.
if it’s necessary.
IRA
She’s not here. She left.
CAROL
Exactly. She left. So it’s
necessary. Is anyone
going to help me?
ALEXANDER
(awkwardly)
Um, I will...
CAROL
Okay, okay, good. Come
on. Here ya go.
ALEXANDER
Ouch.
CAROL
Thank you.
ALEXANDER
Uhh... glad to help.
CAROL
Who else wants to lend a hand?
IRA
What do you think, Judith, should I help, too?
JUDITH
No, you shouldn’t help him!
IRA
I know. I just thought it would make him feel better.
JUDITH
(exasperated)
Good idea, Ira. Go stand in this hut over here before it gets wrecked.
IRA
I know, I know I shouldn’t.
JUDITH
Ira, go stand in the hut over there so I can think.
IRA
I’ll stand right over here.
IRA
Ouch.
JUDITH
This is crazy!
IRA
(laughing)
Wow!
CAROL
No, no it was crazy already. I’m eliminating the crazy. Isn’t anyone on my side? Isn’t anyone gonna be on my side anymore?
CAROL
(defeated)
Fine, I’ll just be on my own side, by myself.
CAROL
Nobody cares. Nobody cares. I’m the only one that cares that we don’t stay together. I’m the only one that cares about that so...
IRA
They were nice, Carol.
CAROL
See? I care.
JUDITH
Carol.
CAROL
You don’t care and just stand there and whisper to each other about me like you always do.
JUDITH
Oh yeah, that’s true.
CAROL
But I know what I’m doing.
JUDITH
Ira, what is it?
IRA
I don’t know.
JUDITH
Doesn’t smell like anything.
CAROL
(to the others)
See, this guy gets it.
(to Max)
Hey... um... weird little...
(unsure what to call him)
... thing. I like the way you destroy stuff. Good technique. There’s a spark to your work that can’t be taught.
MAX
(as if it was nothing)
Thanks.
CAROL
Alright, see that one over there? You take that one, I’ll take this one. See who can do it faster. Okay?
MAX
Okay.
CAROL
Go!
DOUGLAS
Hey, what are you doing?
MAX
I’m just helping.
DOUGLAS
By smashing our houses?
MAX
These are your houses?
DOUGLAS
(defensively)
Yeah. What’s wrong with them?
JUDITH
(feeling judged)
What do your houses look like?
IRA
I bet his houses are funny looking.
DOUGLAS
Look, we worked very hard on these. Then you, sir, showed up and started “helping.”
ALEXANDER
I’m cold.
JUDITH
(to Max)
Who are you? Are you one of K.W.’s new friends?
DOUGLAS
(disapproving)
Oh, are you Bob or Terry?
MAX
I don’t even know who that is.
IRA
He looks like a Bob.
JUDITH
Things are getting crazy here.
This thing’s dangerous.
ALEXANDER
You’re scaring me.
JUDITH
You know what I say, if you’ve got
a problem, eat it.
DOUGLAS
It’s the only way to solve these types of issues.
IRA
Yeah. The only way.
JUDITH
Oh, he’s probably got those little bird bones.
DOUGLAS
I hate those.
JUDITH
You have those little bird bones that are gonna cut up my mouth, don’t you?
MAX
(desperately)
No, I don’t have bird bones.
JUDITH
You better not. You better not be difficult to eat. Did you think of that? God, you’re selfish. I hope you don’t taste as selfish as you look.
MAX
Stop...
IRA
Come here.
MAX
Stop!
IRA
Oh, look at him so delectable, so chewable.
MAX
BEEEEEE STIIIIIIILL!
JUDITH
Why?
MAX
Because you cant eat me. You didnt know that, so I forgive you. But dont try it again.
JUDITH
Why not?
MAX
I have powers from another land. From ancient times. Dont make me show you. I had to show these Vikings once—
IRA
Viking? Whats a Viking?
MAX
(building confidence)
They wear horn hats, and they’re big bigger than you! One time they attacked me in my ice fortress. They tried to cave in the roof, but I’d made it too strong. I told them to be still but they didn’t. I conquered them. I had to make their heads explode. And then they realized I knew all the secrets to the world. And then you know what happened? They made me their king.
IRA
Wow.
CAROL
(seriously)
You were a king? I knew there was something special about him. I told you guys.
IRA
(worried for their safety)
So wait, you exploded their heads?
JUDITH
(rolling her eyes)
Oh come on. Our heads are bigger.
(to Max, matteroffactly)
You can’t explode big heads.
MAX
No, their heads were bigger than yours, believe me.
IRA
(incredulous)
But you’re so small.
MAX
Small is good. My powers are able to slip right through the cracks.
JUDITH
What if the cracks are closed up?
MAX
Then I have a recracker that goes right through that.
JUDITH
But what if we have some sort of material that recrackers can’t get through?
MAX
Well, I have a double recracker that can get through any material in the whole universe and there’s no material outside of this universe that it can’t get through, and that’s the end and there’s nothing more powerful than that and that’s the end. Period.
IRA
Wow, he does
sound powerful.
JUDITH
(bothered that she’s been outsmarted, mumbling)
Yeah, but there has to be some material somewhere, maybe really deep underground that if—
CAROL
Shhh! Quiet.
CAROL
Sorry. So you were their king and you made everything right?
MAX
Yeah.
CAROL
(forced nonchalance)
Well uh, you know...what about loneliness?
DOUGLAS
What he’s saying is, will you keep out all the sadness?
MAX
Yeah, I have a sadness shield. It keeps out all the sadness and it’s big enough for all of us.
CAROL
Wow.
MAX
I just do this to loneliness.
(making a gesture of a bomb dropping on loneliness)
Pooooww.
CAROL
I knew it! When he showed up, I saw it. Why don’t you guys ever listen to me?
DOUGLAS
You’re right, Carol, I didn’t see it.
ALEXANDER
(confused)
I don’t understand. He doesn’t look like a king. If he could be king, I could be king.
JUDITH
Shhh, Alexander.
IRA
Um, were you the king where you came from?
MAX
Yeah. Yeah, for twenty years.
CAROL
That’s really important.
JUDITH
That’s impressive.
IRA
That is incredible.
CAROL
Well, looks like we found our king.
(beat)
You are our king, right?
MAX
Yeah.
(beat)
I am.
JUDITH
Oh, I’m so relieved.
IRA
Sorry we were gonna eat you. We didn’t know you were king.
JUDITH
That was insane.They all move in to hug him ceremoniously.
IRA
Oh my god! It’s K.W.
CAROL
What?
ALEXANDER
(excited)
Hi, K.W.!
DOUGLAS
(formally)
K.W., it’s good to see you.
JUDITH
(with a sneer)
I thought you were with your new best friends, Bob and Terry.
K.W.
What are you guys doing?
(with a nod of her chin to Max)
Who’s that?
IRA
K.W. get in here. You gotta hear this. We finally got a king.
DOUGLAS
That’s true.
IRA
A very impressive one.
ALEXANDER
Hey, K.W. we got a king! You and me could go for a walk and I’ll tell you all about it. Anytime. You could carry me like a little baby.
K.W
Uh... yeah. Anyway, I don’t even know if I’m sticking around. I just came back to...
(beat, looking at Carol)
...to get that one stick I left here. Anyone see it?
ALEXANDER
I’ll help. I’m good at finding sticks.
IRA
K.W., he’s very powerful!
CAROL
(whispering to the other Wild Things)
Shh, shh. Stop. Don’t push her. She’ll figure it out for herself. Just leave her be, okay?
(to Max)
King. This way your majesty, please.
IRA
(in a whisper of urgent excitement)
Look! He’s going to make us happy, Judy.
JUDITH
Yeah, but happiness isn’t always the best way to be happy.
DOUGLAS
Judith. Stop.
JUDITH
He’s small for a king. Am I nuts? He’s small.
ALEXANDER
Yeah, that’s what I said.
JUDITH
Alexander, shhh!
ALEXANDER
Sorry.
DOUGLAS
I like it better when we have a king.
(beat)
I like Carol better when we have a king.
K.W.
Hey, what happened to our houses?
DOUGLAS
(lying to cover for Carol)
Oh... um, they fell down.
MAX
(quietly, pointing to the pile of bones)
Are those... other kings?
CAROL
(nervously)
No, they were here when we got here. I never saw them. Never even noticed them.
CAROL
Are you okay?
MAX
Yeah.
CAROL
You are now the king.
(affecting a ceremonial sort of gravitas)
And you will be a truly great king.
CAROL
Oh it looks good on him, look. He looks great. Huh king?
JUDITH
King! King! King! King!
DOUGLAS
It looks perfect, Carol.
IRA
We have a king.
CAROL
We got a king. Everything’s going to be different now.
IRA
Oh, I know this part! This is where we’re supposed to lift him up, and it’s really exciting, right?
WILD THINGS
Arroooo! Arrooooo!
WILD THINGS
KING! KING! KING!
CAROL
Hey King! What’s your first order of business?
MAX
Let the wild rumpus start!
CAROL
Perfect answer!
JUDITH
Yeah! You hear that? Start rumpusing, lazy.
CAROL
Come on. Come on, King!
MAX
(as he runs)
Guys! Follow me!
WILD THINGS
(howling)
Aoooh!
MAX
Aahooooo!
MAX
(curious)
What?
K.W.
You’re funny looking. That’s all.
CAROL
Hey king, watch this.
MAX
Hey Jumping Guy! Jumping Guy! Hey mister, wait up!
MAX
Hey Jumping Guy! Hey!
CAROL
Hey King, watch this!
CAROL
(laughing, shaking a fist to the tree)
Alright tree, we’ll settle this later.
ALEXANDER
Oh look. Everyone wants to be friends with the new guy.
CAROL
I hope you can tell how excited they are to have a king. Sometimes they have an odd way of showing it. I mean, not me, but sometimes they act weird, you know and it hurts other people’s feelings.
JUDITH
Ira, my love.
IRA
What?
JUDITH
Come here!
IRA
Okay.
CAROL
Oh, that’s Judith and Ira. They’re in love.
ALEXANDER
Watch me! Look!
CAROL
That’s Alexander.
ALEXANDER
Look, look! I hate this tree! Alexander runs head first into a tree. He falls down.
CAROL
He just wants attention. Don’t give him the satisfaction.
DOUGLAS
77... 78... no, wait. No, no, that was... yeah that’s it, 78.
CAROL
Oh, and that’s Douglas. I count on him for everything.
DOUGLAS
(modestly)
Well, that’s not true.
CAROL
If I was stranded on a deserted island and could only take one thing, it would be Douglas. We could share him if you want, King.
MAX
That sounds good, I might need one of those.
CAROL
(walking toward Douglas)
Douglas, no no no, that’s not the way I want you to do it. Stop. I’ll show you, wait.
DOUGLAS
Oh, sorry. Max turns to find Ira and Judith close.
IRA
He’s so little...
(extending his huge hand to Max)
We haven’t formally met. I’m Ira. I put the holes in the trees; maybe you saw those?
MAX
Ahh..
IRA
Or maybe not. Anyways, it’s what I do. I mean, it’s not important like the things you do.
IRA
Oh, and this is Judith.
JUDITH
Ah, you don’t really need to know me. I’m kind of a downer.
IRA
King, that’s not true.
JUDITH
(to Max)
Hey, let me see your face.
ALEXANDER
(forced nonchalance)
You could introduce me to the king if you want.
JUDITH
(laughing, to Max)
Let me see your face. Oooh. What is that? Don’t worry, let me see it.
IRA
You almost got me, Douglas! Almost got me.
DOUGLAS
(to cat)
We almost got Ira. That would have been really funny. We’ll get him next time, won’t we? Yes, we will.
MAX
What are you doing?
MAX
Is she the one you were mad at when
you were smashing stuff?
CAROL
Yeah... No! No, well, um... I thought she was never coming back.
MAX
Well, it looks like she’s back now.
CAROL
Yeah, I hope so.
MAX
I’m gonna get her!
CAROL
No! No Max, don’t! Don’t do that. She’s doesn’t like that kind of thing. Come back! Come back here!
DOUGLAS
(turning to see Max running toward K.W., urgently)
Uh, King, I wouldn’t recommend that.
K.W.
(laughing)
Stop, stop. Stop it, stop it!
Go pick someone else’s nose!
K.W.
Look out!
CAROL
Ahh. Gotcha!
IRA
Whoa!
JUDITH
Alexander, get over there and be social.
JUDITH
(in midair)
Let’s be like this forever!
JUDITH
You guys never think this is me, but this is really me.
CAROL
He’s starting things off right, our king.
IRA
That was great.
CAROL
Wow, this guy gets things done.
DOUGLAS
Piles make very good sleeping devices.
CAROL
That was fun. We forgot how to have fun.
DOUGLAS
That’s true, Carol.
CAROL
I mean, I didn’t, but...
CAROL
Hey, K.W., your toe’s in my ear.
K.W.
Good! You’re keeping it warm.
CAROL
Hey, who’s on my face?
IRA
Oh, I’m sorry Carol. Let me move.
DOUGLAS
Oh, I like this.
IRA
That was a great rumpus.
DOUGLAS
Let’s be like this forever.
MAX
Owww.
K.W.
The king having a problem?
MAX
(worried)
My foot’s stuck under this fat guy.
K.W.
Oh. There.
MAX
Thanks.
K.W.
I’m K.W.
MAX
I’m Max.
K.W.
I know.
MAX
So are you gonna stay?
K.W.
Well...
MAX
They all want you to.
K.W.
Well, it’s complicated.
(she looks confused)
I don’t even know how everything got this way. Things seem better now, though.
K.W.
(teasing him for being so
bossy)
Okay, King.
MAX
So who are Bob and Terry?
K.W.
Oh they’re really good friends of mine. I don’t even know how to describe them, they’re just different from everybody here.
(meaningfully)
... It’s just different.
MAX
Well, do you like them more than–
K.W.
(interrupting him)
You ask a lot of questions. What’s your story? Why’d you come here?
MAX
Well...
(thoughtfully)
I’m an explorer and I travel a lot. And I travel by sea...
K.W.
Right...
MAX
I used to travel by air.
K.W.
Oh, so obviously you have no home or family?
MAX
I had one of those... but I...
K.W.
But you ate ‘em all.
MAX
No, no! I just bit one of em, and then they went crazy.
(beat, talking to himself, justifying his position)
I don’t like frozen corn.
K.W.
(sweetly)
Oh, I’m sorry. That’s why you left?
MAX
(with a feeling of loss)
Yeah.
(mad)
They act like I’m a bad person.
K.W.
Well, are you?
MAX
(worried)
I don’t know.
K.W.
Well, I’m glad you came. It’ll be good to have someone around who doesn’t eat everybody. I mean, you just bite everyone. Biters aren’t so bad, eaters are the one’s I just can’t stand.
MAX
I have no plans to eat anybody.
K.W.
Alright, good.
(beat)
Well, good night.
CAROL
Good night K.W.
K.W.
Good night.
CAROL
Night Ira.
IRA
Night.
CAROL
Good night Douglas.
CAROL
Good night Douglas.
DOUGLAS
Good night Carol.
CAROL
Good night Judith.
JUDITH
Good night.
IRA
Good night, Judy.
JUDITH
Good night, darling.
ALEXANDER
Good night.
JUDITH
Good night Alex. Good night, King.
MAX
Night.
DOUGLAS
Oh! Good night, King.
IRA
Yeah, good night, King.
DOUGLAS
Oh, this is nice.
CAROL
Good night everyone. Everybody sweet dreams.
CAROL
I didn’t want to wake you up, but I really want to show you something.
MAX
Oh, okay.
CAROL
And on the way I can show you your kingdom. Max, this is all yours. You’re the owner of this world. Everything you see is yours. Oh,except that hole right there that’s Ira’s. But, I mean the tree’s yours, but the hole is Ira’s. But everything else is yours... except that rock over there, that’s not yours, that little rock next to the big rock. But everything else in the kingdom, except for that stick, that little stick right there, that’s not yours...
CAROL
I want you to be king forever Max.
MAX
Yeah, definitely.
CAROL
This part of your kingdom is not so good.
MAX
Why?
CAROL
(his anxiety starting to reveal itself)
Well, look. This used to be all rock, and now it’s sand. And then one day it’s gonna be dust. And then the whole island will be dust. And then... I don’t even know what comes after dust.
MAX
Carol? Did you know the sun was gonna die?
CAROL
What?
Carol looks up at the sun for a moment.
CAROL
I never heard that.
(beat)
Oh come on. That can’t happen. You’re the king. And look at me. I’m big. How could guys like us worry about a tiny little thing like the sun?
MAX
Carol, what’s that?
CAROL
Oh, it’s that dog. Don’t feed it, it’ll just follow you around.
MAX
Carol, wait up for me!
MAX
Wow.
(with awe and respect)
Did you make this?
CAROL
Yeah.
MAX
It’s very good.
CAROL
Thanks.
(now seeming to recall some painful memory)
We were gonna make a whole world like this. Everyone used to come here, but now, well...
(looks at model)
Do you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don’t even notice and one day you realize they’re all separated really far apart and then you don’t have any teeth anymore?
MAX
(in a whisper)
Yeah.
CAROL
Well, it’s like that.
CAROL
Alright, put your head right here. Right here.
CAROL
Alright, now watch.
MAX
Wow. I wish I could live in there.
CAROL
Yeah, it was gonna be a place where only things you wanted to have happen would happen.
MAX
Yeah.
CAROL
I guess if that’s not going to happen, I’ll probably just end up eating my feet off.
MAX
Carol, we can totally build a place like that.
Carol looks cautious, but excited.
CAROL
Really?
MAX
Okay, we’re gonna start with a perfect fort. And then we’re gonna build a city and an underground complex. But, I mean, you’ve gotta be realistic because I mean, the underground complex is gonna tie it all together.
CAROL
(chuckling)
I like your brain, Max.
CAROL
(calling out to the others)
Hey! I’m not gonna eat my feet off anymore.
DOUGLAS
Why?
CAROL
Max is gonna build a fortress!
MAX
... So it’s gonna be as tall as twelve of you and six of me. And only we can get in. We can have an ice cream parlor. A swimming pool with a bottom that’s also a trampoline.
MAX
...And anyone that gets in there that we don’t want there will get their brains cut out. The building will do it automatically.
ALEXANDER
(to Judith)
How does it know which brains to cut out?
MAX
Oh, and there’ll be a fake tree but it’s not a tree, it’s a tunnel...
MAX
So anyways, it’s not a tree, it’s a tunnel, and it’ll lead you into the fort through a compartment. Ira, do you want to be in charge of the tunnels because you make great holes?
IRA
Wow. Okay.
ALEXANDER
I don’t want my brains cut out!
IRA
This fort is already making me happy.
ALEXANDER
Does anybody ever hear me?
MAX
And we’ll all sleep together in a real pile.
(beat, looking to the whole group)
What do you think?
JUDITH
I don’t really think anything like this ever works, really.
(with a smidgen of hope)
But if it did...
(returning to her usual self)
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. But I do like sleeping in a real pile.
MAX
(to Carol)
Carol, will you be in charge of building it?
CAROL
Oh. Uh...
DOUGLAS
You should definitely be in charge, Carol. You’re the only one who could pull it off.
CAROL
(coming around but still unsure)
Yeah, well... You’re right, but...
MAX
K.W., don’t you think that Carol should build it?
K.W.
Yeah. He’s the only one who can.
JUDITH
I’ll build it if he doesn’t want to.
CAROL
(quietly)
Wow... do you really want to do this?
DOUGLAS
I think it’s a perfect idea.
CAROL
Well, alright...
(to everybody)
if you all want to do it, and you want me, I’d be honored.
IRA
You would have been good too, Judy.
JUDITH
Yeah.
MAX
A little more that way. A little more. Yeah right there.
CAROL
(yelling across the way to Max)
How about here? You like it here?
MAX
Yeah. A little more this way. It should be seven Douglases.
CAROL
(to Douglas)
What have you been eating?
DOUGLAS
(sheepishly)
Rocks.
CAROL
Rocks? What did I tell you about eating rocks?
DOUGLAS
That’s six.
CAROL
You’re getting a little paunch.
DOUGLAS
Uh, I know.
(beat)
Mark it.
MAX
Hey, K.W..
K.W.
Hey, King.
Carol moves Douglas one more length.
CAROL
How about here?
MAX
It needs seven Douglas’s, no more,
and no less.
CAROL
Seven chubby Douglases.
MAX
It’s gonna be part castle, part fort, part mountain, and part ship. We’ll have a laboratory so we can build robots to do stuff for us, our own detective agency, and our own language. And we’ll make a machine that can take our legs off and that way we can float.
Carol and Douglas are carrying huge trees over their shoulders.
CAROL
You smiled. You can’t deny that this was a good idea.
JUDITH
I didn’t deny it.
(now with a smile)
I believe part of that idea was mine.
CAROL
What part?
JUDITH
The part where I said, “Yeah. Good idea.”
IRA
Oh!
ALEXANDER
Judith, that tickles.
MAX
I like the tunnel, Ira. Impressive.
IRA
Oh! Why thank you, King.
CAROL
Great beams, Douglas. Strong.
DOUGLAS
(loving the attention, but awkward, not knowing how to take a compliment)
Oh, uh thanks. They’re just the standard beams I always do.
JUDITH
(stage whisper)
Psst!
JUDITH
What were you doing with Carol just now?
MAX
Just talking.
JUDITH
Oh, a secret, huh? Well let me ask you something. How does it work around here? Are we all the same, or are some of us better than others? You like to play favorites, huh, King?
JUDITH
Ow.
MAX
No, I like all you guys equally.
JUDITH
Oh, don’t give me that. I can see how it is. The king has favorites, that’s really cute.
(Ira still gnawing on her)
Ow. Stop.
(back to Max)
Do you have a favorite color, too? Can I be your favorite color?
JUDITH
(close to tears)
You know what? You can’t do that back to me. If we’re upset, your job is not to get upset back at us. Our job is to be upset. If I get mad and wanna eat you, then you have to say, “Oh okay, you can eat me, I love you, whatever makes you happy, Judith.” That’s what you’re supposed to do.
K.W.
Come on Max. Let’s go get those sticks.
MAX
Yeah... okay.
Max turns to leave with K.W. Judith grabs his leg.
JUDITH
I hope you heard me, King.
JUDITH
Ow!
K.W.
Yeah, he heard you, Judith. Everyone always hears you.
JUDITH
(yelling after them)
You think you have power, K.W.?
That’s not real power.
(beat)
Hey, I’m talking to you!
JUDITH
No! Not you! I’m still talking to K.W.!
K.W.
Okay, Judith can be a downer. You just need help figuring this out.
(beat)
Hey, you should talk to Bob and Terry.
(beat)
King!
K.W.
Seriously, they’re really smart. They have the answers to everything.
K.W.
(running toward the owls)
Hang on, I’m coming!
K.W.
Well, what do you think?
MAX
Umm...
K.W.
This is Bob & Terry. They love it when I do this to them. Bob, Terry, this is Max, he’s the biter I told you about.
K.W.
Say hi.
MAX
(unsure)
Hi.
K.W.
(to the owls)
He wanted to ask you guys some advice.
She looks at Max. Max doesn’t know what
to say.
K.W.
Go ahead, they’re not judgmental.
MAX
You mean just ask them?
K.W.
Yeah.
K.W.
They say it’s better for you if you can ask the question in seven words.
MAX
Okay...
(counting with his fingers)
How. Do. I. Make. Everyone.
(Max looks at the two fingers he has left)
O. Kay.
K.W.
Oh, yeah. I didn’t think of that.
K.W.
Wow, they really get to the heart of it, don’t they?
K.W.
Aren’t they great?
MAX
Uh...
K.W.
What if they came and lived with us? Bob, Terry, why don‘t you come live with us? We’re building something great.
K.W.
Oh good! Right Max?
MAX
Well... what about Carol?
K.W.
He’s Carol. I can like him and still be friends with Bob and Terry.
MAX
Hey, Douglas! Hey, where’s Carol?
DOUGLAS
He’s in the fort. Aft section, main chamber.
MAX
Hey, Carol! The fort looks great!
CAROL
Yeah, thanks, we were all working really hard on it.
Where were you?
MAX
(quickly, anxious)
Well, K.W. took me to see her friends Bob and Terry. They really wanna meet you. They may even stay over.
ALEXANDER
(excited)
Oh, this is the famous Bob and Terry?
ALEXANDER
(awkwardly excited)
What? K.W. told you about me?
IRA
Oh, hi guys.
ALEXANDER
What’d she say?
ALEXANDER
(excitedly)
Really?
JUDITH
Oh, my voice? Thank you. Well, sometimes...
IRA
I know, I’m a very lucky man.
ALEXANDER
(to owls)
Hey, do you guys know any jokes?
ALEXANDER
Who’s there?
ALEXANDER
Loud interrupting cow wh—
ALEXANDER
Oh, that’s hilarious. They’re
amazing, K.W.
IRA
Yeah, that’s a nice joke.
CAROL
Max, what’s wrong with the fort? I thought you said it’d be automatic.
MAX
What?
CAROL
I thought you said if anybody got in here we didn’t want, the fort would automatically cut their brains out.
MAX
(guilty)
Oh, well... I thought that then, but I kinda decided that that isn’t really right and that it should kinda not be like that. If we know them, then they should keep their brains.
(fumbling)
Even if we don’t know them that well...
K.W.
I think you should apologize to Bob and Terry.
CAROL
I don’t apologize to owls. They’re stupid.
IRA
Carol, that’s hateful.
CAROL
Why did you bring them here? That’s what you’ve been doing all this time? They’re not sleeping in our pile!
MAX
Hey Carol.
CAROL
I don’t get why she likes them so
much.
MAX
Yeah... I couldn’t really
understand what they were saying
either.
CAROL
Really?
MAX
Yeah.
CAROL
Now everyone’s mad at me.
MAX
There’s something I like to do, that sometimes makes me feel better.
CAROL
What is it?
MAX
(quietly)
It’s kind of personal.
CAROL
(sweetly)
You can tell me.
MAX
Alright, we’re gonna have a war! We’re gonna clobber each other. Carol looks really excited.
IRA
Clobber each other?
JUDITH
Hmm...
MAX
Yeah, with huge dirt clods. We used to do it all the time when I was a little kid.
DOUGLAS
Hm. We haven’t had a dirt clod fight in a long time...
MAX
Yeah, it’s the best way to have fun together. Now we just have to split into two sides. So who wants to be a bad guy?
MAX
Okay. I’ll pick one then.
(pointing to Judith)
Umm, okay you’re a bad guy...
JUDITH
Yeah, saw that coming.
MAX
(pointing to Alexander)
...and then you’re definitely a bad guy.
ALEXANDER
What? Ah... Damn.
IRA
Ummm... I’m bad... really.
MAX
(pointing to Ira)
Okay, you can be a bad guy.
IRA
Judy, I’m with you.
JUDITH
Yeah, I heard.
MAX
And you can pick one other.
(to the bad guys)
He’s with you. He’s on your team.
DOUGLAS
(to Carol)
So am I a good guy?
CAROL
Yes, of course, you have the best arm.
JUDITH
Hey, where were you?
K.W.
Saying goodbye to Bob and Terry.
ALEXANDER
Hey K.W., you wanna be on my team? We’re the bad guys.
MAX
(excited)
No, nono, no. You’re with us. You’re a good guy.
CAROL
(meekly)
Yeah, K.W., be a good guy.
CAROL
Hi, K.W.
MAX
Okay. So what we are gonna do is we’re gonna try to kill the bad guys by beaning them in the head with these dirt clods. We’re gonna try to find the biggest pieces...
ALEXANDER
You didn’t see that coming!
CAROL
Run!
MAX
Run for cover!
DOUGLAS
Wait, hold on! We didn’t make the official starting noise!
JUDITH
Yeah. You’d better run.
ALEXANDER
Bad guys rule!
IRA
Look out for the bad guys!
JUDITH
We’re coming to get you, favorites! Die!
ALEXANDER
Yes! Direct hit.
JUDITH
Good shot, Ira!
MAX
(loudly, adopting a military tenor)
We need to find higher ground! Move out!
CAROL
We got them pinned down! They can’t even move!
MAX
Fire on three!
DOUGLAS
Okay!
MAX
One, two, three!
IRA
You guys are gonna... Ow!
JUDITH
(from behind the rock, laughing)
Ahhh! Stop! Stop, stop it.
IRA
(from behind rock)
Judy, I’m trapped.
MAX
(to his team)
This is perfect! They throw more dirt clods. We hear Judith and Ira behind the log.
JUDITH
Ohh, wow!
IRA
Let them waste their ammunition.
JUDITH
They’re not going to run out of dirt. Whoa! That was hard. It’s just a game! Let us out of here.
MAX
(to Carol and Douglas)
Wait, wait. I have an idea. Come out!
JUDITH
No!
MAX
Why not?
JUDITH
Ahh, because you’re gonna hit us in the head with dirt.
MAX
Come out!
JUDITH
Nooo!
MAX
Why not?
JUDITH
Because when I said you’re gonna hit us in the head with dirt, you didn’t say anything. That means you’re planning to hit us in the head with dirt.
MAX
(to Carol and Douglas)
Man, they really have us figured out.
MAX
Okay, let’s go! Ambush!
MAX
Charge!
JUDITH
Ira, help! Get Carol.
IRA
Ooh, good shot. I’m gonna get you!
CAROL
Hey, who threw Richard? He’s on our team now.
IRA
Ahhh! Owwww!
CAROL
Gotcha!
IRA
Owww. No animals! Owww! It really hurts.
MAX
Hey Douglas, get the goat. Knock his legs out!
ALEXANDER
Owww!
(finding Douglas and Max and yelling to them)
That’s cheating. I’m not gonna play anymore.
MAX
(whispering to Douglas)
Do it again.
JUDITH
Alexander come on! Fight with us!
ALEXANDER
Owww! That’s not fair! Are you crazy?!
JUDITH
Alexander you’re supposed to get hit, it’s a war.
ALEXANDER
That wasn’t fair. Douglas hit me when I was hurt. You can’t hit someone when they’re hurt. I quit.
JUDITH
Get back in here right now.
IRA
Alex, count to ten. Things will get better.
JUDITH
Alexander, don’t you cry!
ALEXANDER
If I count to ten will you be gone Ira?
JUDITH
Don’t you talk to Ira the way I do.
MAX
Knock it off, Judith!
JUDITH
Owww! That’s my eye!
DOUGLAS
Whoa!
CAROL
Ow!
DOUGLAS
Carol, I’m so sorry!
K.W.
(laughing)
What happened? Somebody stepped on your head?
CAROL
(outraged)
What are you doing?
K.W.
(laughing)
What?
CAROL
Don’t step on my head!
K.W.
(innocently – she didn’t mean it)
What do you mean? It’s a war! And Douglas just did it.
CAROL
Yeah but he did it by accident. You did it on purpose! And he didn’t step on the face part of my head!
K.W.
It was a joke. I was just joking.
CAROL
Yeah, sure you were, like you aren’t always looking for an opportunity to step on my head. That’s what you do.
K.W.
This is exactly why I never want to do anything with you anymore.
(she lays down)
Go ahead and step on my head.
CAROL
No. Forget it. I’m not going to step on your head just to make you feel better.
CAROL
Come on, Douglas!
DOUGLAS
(judiciously)
Carol, I think that you did the right thing, you know, not stepping on her head.
K.W.
Thanks, Max. But I’m done.
I don’t know why I came back. I’m glad I met you, I guess.
JUDITH
(anxious)
So King. This is how you rule a kingdom? Everyone fighting? The bad guys feel bad. Everyone feels bad!
IRA
Yeah. I’m still sorta dizzy and my eyeballs feel loose.
JUDITH
Oh can it, Ira. Everyone’s eyeballs feel loose.
CAROL
No, Max will bring K.W. back. He’ll keep us all together. He has powers. Right? Show us. C’mon King.
IRA
Uh oh, somebody broke the king.
JUDITH
I don’t get it. Oh wait, I do. It’s stupid.
IRA
I think he’s done now. What just happened, Judy?
JUDITH
That’s what we waited for?
ALEXANDER
Pathetic.
MAX
(calling out, scared)
Carol?
MAX
Hi.
MAX
Is that from the dirt clods?
ALEXANDER
Yeah, from when you had Douglas hit me.
MAX
Sorry about that.
ALEXANDER
It’s okay.
MAX
(sympathetically)
No one really listens to you, huh?
ALEXANDER
Oh, you noticed?
(beat)
Yeah. I guess you’re not used to that... being a king and all.
MAX
Man, I really messed this place up.
ALEXANDER
You’re not really a king, huh? You’re just regular.
ALEXANDER
(disappointed)
I knew it.
(then back to Max, seriously)
I don’t even know if there is such a thing as a king that can do all the things you said.
ALEXANDER
Look, I don’t care, just don’t ever let Carol find out.
CAROL
Hey, Max. What’s that?
MAX
Um... Well, I was thinking we needed a place where the king is secret. Like a secret chamber for the king.
CAROL
Well, I don’t understand... What...
MAX
Well, you know like a... like a small place. With a door that’s not so big.
CAROL
(pondering)
I don’t know...
(studying the fort)
I just didn’t picture it with secret doors.
(pause as he collects his thoughts and thinks of a way out of this)
What if it were a big place with big secret doors?
MAX
That... that’s not really how it would be done. It’s more like... it’s like a... it’s like a...
CAROL
(embarrassed)
About that big?
CAROL
(O.S.)
(firm and anxious)
Everyone wake up, wake up! Get out here! Everything’s wrong!
JUDITH
What is it?
CAROL
Everybody wake up.
DOUGLAS
It’s Carol.
JUDITH
Carol, don’t.
IRA
You alright?
CAROL
It’s all wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
JUDITH
Oh, I knew it was gonna happen.
CAROL
Wake up and come out here.
DOUGLAS
What is it?
CAROL
Get out here. It’s wrong. I can’t even look at it.
DOUGLAS
What is it?
CAROL
(turning to the fort)
The fort. We gotta tear the fort down.
DOUGLAS
What?
CAROL
It wasn’t supposed to be like this!
DOUGLAS
No, Carol.
CAROL
You said we were all going to sleep together in a real pile, and now you want a secret room and K.W. is gone for good. And now I have to worry if the sun is gonna die. Look at it. It never came up! It’s dead!
JUDITH
What?!
IRA
Oh my god.
MAX
Carol, stop it!
CAROL
It’s dead. It’s dead.
MAX
You’re scaring everyone.
CAROL
It’s morning.
MAX
The sun’s not dead. It’s just nighttime.
CAROL
How do you know? I can’t trust what you say. Everything keeps changing. Alright, come on Douglas. We’re ripping it down.
MAX
Carol, we’re not ripping the fort down!
CAROL
It was supposed to be a place where only things you wanted to have happen would happen.
CAROL
Come on Douglas, do what I tell you.
MAX
No! We all live here, not just you. It’s everybody’s. Judith and Ira and everyone else live here, too.
JUDITH
Oh, finally.
CAROL
You were supposed to keep us safe. You were supposed to take care of us, and you didn’t.
DOUGLAS
Carol.
MAX
I’m sorry!
CAROL
That’s not good enough.
DOUGLAS
Carol.
CAROL
You’re a terrible king.
DOUGLAS
Carol!
CAROL
What?!
DOUGLAS
He’s not our king.
CAROL
What? Don’t say that! How could you say that? How dare you say that?
DOUGLA
There’s no such thing as a king.
CAROL
Don’t you say that.
DOUGLAS
He’s just a boy pretending to be a wolf pretending to be a king.
CAROL
That’s not true!
IRA
He’s just like us.
JUDITH
(cursing herself, fooled again)
Ahh! Why don’t I listen to myself?
DOUGLAS
Carol!
CAROL
What?!
DOUGLAS
He’s not our king.
CAROL
What? Don’t say that! How could you say that? How dare you say that?
DOUGLAS
There’s no such thing as a king.
CAROL
Don’t you say that.
DOUGLAS
Look, I just went along with it because I knew you wanted it so much, okay?
CAROL
Don’t say that!
MAX
No! Carol, stop it!
DOUGLAS
Oww!!
MAX
Stop it! What are you doing?!
DOUGLAS
Carol.
CAROL
What?
DOUGLAS
That was my favorite arm.
CAROL
Well, I was just holding on to it. You pulled away.
MAX
Carol, stop it!
CAROL
You lied!
MAX
You’re out of control!
CAROL
I am not out of control! You were supposed to take care of us! You promised!
(big roar)
I’ll eat you up!
K.W.
C’mon, C’mon. C’mere.
K.W.
Get in, get inside!
MAX
What?
K.W.
Get in. Crawl inside my mouth. I’ll hide you!
MAX
Oh, hi Richard.
CAROL
Max! Max!
CAROL
Where is he!?
K.W.
(defiantly)
I don’t know!
CAROL
Where is he?
K.W.
I don’t know!
CAROL
I can smell him! Where is he?!
(beat)
I just want to talk to him.
K.W.
You’re out of control!
CAROL
I’m not out of control!
K.W.
You were going to eat him!
CAROL
(deflated)
No, no... I wa I wasn’t going to... I don’t know...I just said it.
(tortured)
Am I as bad as he says I am?
K.W.
Just go away!
CAROL
I just wanted us all to be together...
K.W.
(repeating Carol)
Can you believe him?
MAX
He doesn’t mean to be that way, K.W. He’s just scared.
K.W.
(softening somewhat)
Well, he only makes it harder. And it’s hard enough already.
MAX
(thinking about his own behavior)
I know.
(beat)
But he loves you. You’re his family.
K.W.
Yeah... I guess.
MAX
I can’t breathe that well in here. Can you get me out?
MAX
I wish you guys had a mom.
MAX
I’m gonna go home.
MAX
Carol!
DOUGLAS
(nodding to Max)
Max.
CAROL
(as if this question might answer it all)
So whatever happened with you and the Vikings?
MAX
(sweetly and apologetically)
Well... in the end, I had to leave.
CAROL
Why?
MAX
But I’m not a Viking or a king or anything.
CAROL
No, no you’re not.
(beat)
What are you?
MAX
I’m Max.
CAROL
Oh.
(he stands)
Well, that’s not very much.
BULL
Hey Max?
MAX
Yeah?
BULL
When you go home will you say good things about us?
MAX
Yeah, I will.
BULL
Thanks.
JUDITH
You’re the first king we haven’t eaten.
ALEXANDER
Yeah, it’s true.
JUDITH
(interrupting the sentimental moment)
See ya.
ALEXANDER
Bye, Max.
MAX
Bye.
K.W.
Don’t go. I’ll eat you up, I love you so.
MAX
Aroooooo!
CAROL
(mournful in return)
Arooooooo!